Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
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Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
The 6 types of sex
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
What’s a Messi?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car