[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
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If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Y’all know who you are.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.