The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
You Might Also Like
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
his wife is probably gonna see that
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.