Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses