I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
You Might Also Like
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
12. I think about this all the damn time
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.