[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
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Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Breaking news:
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?