My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Taliband
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?