just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
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Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows