OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
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If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them