Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
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I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
The three genders.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Oh my god
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*