Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him