I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
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When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I love art.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.