Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
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I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
my sentiments exactly
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark