Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
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Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.