My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
You Might Also Like
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.