assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
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me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.