In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.