Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
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Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Salad is the decaf of food.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
✌️
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”