The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
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<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.