In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
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“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on