Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
You Might Also Like
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Mistakes were made
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself