This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
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My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.