I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
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THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Anime is real
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Mhm.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended