Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
You Might Also Like
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.