My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
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Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
😍😂🥰😂😍
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion