my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
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The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem