*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
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Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.