Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
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me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.