ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
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“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.