[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
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[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.