The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins