You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
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I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo