if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
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This rocks
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?