Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Cat.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,