#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.