My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
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NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
The Wolf of Wall Street.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Oops I deleted….
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.