Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
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The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t