yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit