HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
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Meat Cute
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.