Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
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You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road