Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
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*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Rooting for the overdog
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.