For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
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Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.