SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
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I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle