Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
You Might Also Like
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.