You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho