Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
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New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household