Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Just had my nails done!
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then