The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
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TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Fluff me with a fork baby