Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
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I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Cha-ching is my safe word
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Ape together strong
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Was it something I said?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”