Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
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Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Oh boy, $150,000!
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.